Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
