You don't have asthma, your pregnant
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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