I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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