Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
