I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
