Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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