Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize