If you're really into hairy Serbian chicks, Cleveland has a lot to offer(216): We're going to cougar night, the serbian chicks are the best aged.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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