You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
