somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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