Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
