i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
