You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
