Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
