I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize