I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
