If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
