if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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