if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
