when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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