eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
