i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Randomize