So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
