i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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