I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
