did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
