oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
