I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
