My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
