***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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