when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
