It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
