So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
