i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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