He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
