Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
