Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
