so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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