Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
