You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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