I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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