Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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