Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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