my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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