I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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