I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
