I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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