woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
