the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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