The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
ttyl tear gas
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
