I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
