She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize