why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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