So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
