If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize