Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
