i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
