My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
only you would photoshop your dick
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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