When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
i think im in europe. pls send help
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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