remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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