she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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