It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
