Betty ford says i'm here all night
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
we're making bets on your personal life
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
