I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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