Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
